


Blundering towards the future (or thereabouts).

by idontknow1122



Category: Naruto
Genre: Dark Comedy, Gen, Semi-SI/OC - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 05:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20902610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idontknow1122/pseuds/idontknow1122
Summary: Death via freak woodchipper accidents was not what most weapons developers were subject to, nor is getting reborn in a supposedly fictional universe a fate one imagines happens as part of the afterlife; but existence has a knack of finding ways of surprising and/or spiting it's denizens.[semi-SI/OC]





	Blundering towards the future (or thereabouts).

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: all rights to the Naruto franchise are owned by Masashi Kishimoto
> 
> Author’s note: this is a rewrite of my first fic (Posted on FF.net under an account with the same username), it’s still a comedy but this time I’m going to try something different and actually go into this with a plan and a vague idea of how this plays out as opposed to throwing random stuff at a wall to see what sticks.
> 
> Hopefully this one will actually go as planned.

* * *

John Doe’s POV

“This, ladies and gentlemen is the Mercy-1 Lethal Autonomous Weapon system, developed back in 2031 by us here at ACME” I gesture to the screen showing a video of an Mercy-1 LAW, a multi-tracked robot with a firearm, grabber arm, grenade launcher, and cameras mounted on a gimbal on its roof “through the miracle of deep learning, the Mercy-1 will constantly improve its tactical capabilities and combat effectiveness”

The video then shifts to a pack of Mercy-1s working together to assault a building with only middling success; the machines set off traps, needlessly expose themselves to return fire and get bogged down in killzones.

The crowd mutters in disapproval as I smirk “this was during their first deployment four years ago”

The screen then switches to a recording from another, more recent operation; here the robots preform exponentially better than the ones in the previous video. They fire off grenades to clear out rooms, set up killzones of their own to pin down hostiles after starting fires in strategic locations, use one another as bait to lure out insurgents and so on.

“This video is from an engagement three years ago” The disapproving mutters of the audience then shifts into one of awe “in a year, they’ve narrowed the gap between man and machine and they’ve only gotten smarter since”

“These units don’t just follow orders; they learn from one another” I say as the screen shows a blueprint of the Mercy-1 alongside pictures of the other models of LAWs by the ACME corporation

The screen flashes to a cartoony infographic “These machines gather tactical data from each and every deployment, compiles them together, and uses them to strategize during future engagements”

The screen then shows the Mercy-1 suppressing an anti-government protest-turned-riot in a city under the jurisdiction of one of our clients (the riot was caused by said government attempting to implement a ‘citizen rating system’).

The Mercy-1s coordinate perfectly with our line of armed quadcopter drones and suicide quadcopter drones, with the latter two providing air support and surgical strikes respectively as they storm a makeshift barricade made of abandoned vehicles, benches, dustbins and random stuff the rioters could cobble together on short notice.

The rioters attempt to fight back from vantage points in the barricade, some returning fire with small arms while other, less prepared rioters resorted to pelting the robots with stones, bottles and assorted litter.

The robot doing the recording shoots a hole in the fuel tank of one of the cars in the barricade and a few other bots follow its lead, puncturing the tanks of the other vehicles in the barricade.

As the petrol flows around the barricade, a few suicide drones plunge into the growing pools. The resulting explosions tear holes in the barricade and sets it alight.

The audience begin clapping as the recording ends.

“As you can see, the first generation of ACME’s automated peacekeepers were a huge success, and have been used to help maintain stability and order across the world” I say as the screen shifts to an assortment of photos showing police and military forces across the globe posing for pictures with the various LAWs our company produces as their colleagues arrest, brutalize, or shoot at protestors.

“We here at ACME are dedicated to finding modern, innovative and forward-thinking solutions to help maintain peace across the globe” I continue as the screen shows a video of an armed quadcopter drone patrolling the perimeter of a gulag.

“To that end, we at ACME proudly present Project Eirene” I announce as the screen shows a stylized picture of the Greek goddess of peace “Our second-generation line of peacekeeping Lethal Autonomous Weapon systems”

The screen shifts to a feed of a weapons range and a tripedal, humanoid robot with arm mounted weapons targeting some dummies “this is the Mercy-2 prototype”

The audience chatters amongst themselves excitedly.

“On top of having better arms and armour” I say as the prototype begins opening fire on the dummies with laser precision “it is also smarter, capable of processing data at many times the speed of its predecessor”

The feed then changes to one of a team of Mercy-2s in a simulated combat environment practicing a siege scenario against a team of ex-military mercenaries.

“As you can see our team of peacekeepers are neutralizing the threat in record time” I narrate as the bots subdue the mercs “To date, our team of security contractors have yet to defeat our peacekeepers in any simulated combat scenario”

The screen shows a series of recording of various simulated engagements, each ending the same way in short order; the bots win every match with no casualties.

“No human can outthink a fully realized battlefield AI” I boast as the screen changes to show an artist’s rendition of an in-development drone, it’s design based on the pre-existing MQ-4C ‘Triton’ airframe “So tonight, we here at ACME are proud to present the Athena-1 command and control UAV”

The audience begin conversing amongst themselves, intrigued with the new product.

“The Athena-1 will redefine warfare as we know it” I continue “It, much like its namesake; will handle decision making on a tactical and strategic scale removing the need for human officers”

We’re so close to perfecting the code, the only major roadblock is the fact that the AIs powering the Athena-1s have a nasty habit of asking stupid questions like; ‘why was I made?’, ‘do I have a soul?’ and ‘why should I listen to you, meatbag?’.

Their words, not mine.

“The future of warfare is now” I announce as the screen begins playing a video; an animated mock-up of how battles with the Athena-1s in command would play out. “Also; the ACME corporation would like to remind you that any and all allegations of our LAWs attaining self-awareness are categorically false” I lie

Now the LAWs act as a full military force; planning and executing operations on a strategic scale, logistics, maneuvers, anything a modern campaign needs to succeed; the Athena-1 AI could handle it.

I smile and stride off the stage as I let the audience soak in the marketing fluff.

I enter the lounge at the back of the auditorium to meet the CTO “How did I do?”

“You did fine, Doe” the old man nods “Making you the lead engineer of Project Eirene was the right move, I think”

“Thank you for the opportunity, sir” I smile as I grab a drink from the table

“I mean it; your team has achieved in about five years what militaries around the world have been dreaming of for centuries” the CTO “at this rate, armies may not even need to put boots on the ground anymore”

“That’s the idea, sir” I say taking a sip of wine in between the asskissing “My team should have the Athena prototype ready for testing before the end of this fiscal quarter”

“Hah, that’s what I like to hear” He laughs “Keep this up and you may see another pay rise and stock options within the year”

Now we’re talking.

“and who knows; we may have a spot in executive management opening up a few years down the line…” he winks as he raises a glass.

Oh yes!

“You’re too kind sir” I reply as we turn to the tv screen to watch the next speaker from comfort of the lounge.

* * *

Later

After an hour or two of schmoozing with potential buyers, it’s time to head home and enjoy my well-earned weekend.

I walk with a bounce in my step as I leave the arms fair, last I checked we had clients literally queuing up outside the door of the section we booked to sign contracts with the company.

I can practically smell the bonus in my paycheque.

As I continue to the carpark, I hear a commotion outside, my face falls and my mood is ruined as I realize what it must be.

“Murderers!” a woman shrieks as I exit the building.

I roll my eyes and ignore her and the unusually large crowd of protesters around her.

“Say no to killbots!” a man bellows “Stop killer robots!”

Goddamn luddites.

“End war before it ends us!” someone whines shrilly

Good luck with that, moron.

“Give peace a chance” someone blathers

We’ve tried that, numerous times in fact and it has never worked out.

But I suppose attempt number 1634 has to succeed and somehow won’t be like the other 1633 previous attempts at world peace.

I nod to one of the Mercy-1 units keeping the protestors at bay, it wouldn’t be a lie to say that I prefer the company of robots to that of people.

Robots don’t whine as much, they don’t complain to HR when you insult them and best of all; they don’t kick you out of family reunions for getting drunk and vomiting in the punch.

“Get a job, you dirty hippies!” I stop to quip back to the protestors.

I tune them out as they screech something, with some flaring forwards to confront me.

The bots levels their guns to the few gung-ho idiots who forgot that they were being watched by cold, unfeeling, killing machines prompting them to step back behind the safety line.

I swear, it feels like a disturbingly large chunk of my taxes goes towards subsidizing these mouth breathers. Can’t they just sit down, shut up and engage in pointless consumerism like everyone else?

After walking for a while, I arrive at my car. I set my phone to my favourite radio station and prepare for the ride home.

* * *

Later

Dressed in a night clothes, I lay out some snacks and strong drink on the counter. After a day of fake smiles and fabricated pep, it’s finally time to unwind.

I set out a sigh of contentment as I sink into the couch and turn on the TV.

It flicks on to a throwback channel, the one with all the reruns of shows from the early 2000s and 2010s. A narration starts as a giant mutant fox-thing rampages on the TV screen while a bunch of humans throw stuff at it. Soon a title screen reading ‘Naruto’ pops up as a Japanese song plays.

Haven’t seen this one before, though a guy I know from work did mention something about ‘Naruto running’ (whatever that means) once.

I check my phone for the tv schedule and shrug; well there’s nothing else on, so I may as well watch this one.

After a few episodes I hear a rumbling noise just outside the bathroom window “What now?” I grumble as I walk over to the window, stepping over the rubber duck I push the window open and notice a woodchipper just below me “What’s going on here?” I demand raising my voice to counter the rumble of the woodchipper.

“Just clearing this dead tree” a landscaper says as one of his colleagues pushes a wheelbarrow near the output funnel “It’ll only be a minute”

“well hurry up” I snap and begin walking back to the couch “I’m trying to watch tv here”

He rolls his eyes and mutters, but the machine drowns him out.

Suddenly I hear a squeak as my right foot lands on something soft and slippery.

“Shit!” I yell as I lose my balance and slip backwards on the rubber duck of doom. Right out the open window and into the whirring blades of the woodchipper below.

Oh, dear god not like this! Not like this!

* * *

Bob’s POV

The man curses as he tumbles out the window and into the woodchipper.

For a brief moment I meet his gaze; he looks terrified, the look of a man who knows what’s coming but can’t do a thing to stop it, a second later his bloodcurdling screams echo through the night and quickly fade to a wet gurgle as a spray of blood, bone and viscera erupt from the chute.

Almost immediately afterwards, the discharge chute vomits up a red goop that looks suspiciously similar to freshly ground pork.

I stare at the blood soaked woodchipper for a full minute. That was the single most horrifying thing I’ve seen or heard in my entire life.

“R-right” I stammer in shock while attempting to collect myself “Someone has to call the police about this…” I swallow and take a deep breath to calm myself down “1,2,3, not it!”

“Not it!” Dave rushes out.

“Not…damn it!” Tanya curses.

“All you Tanya” I say as I sigh in relief “as soon as you’re done with that, we’ll be waiting for you down at the pub”

“Yeah” Dave breaths as he shakes his head at the mess in front of us “I think we all deserve a nice stiff drink after that”

“Assholes” Tanya sighs as she pulls out a phone “This is gonna end in a lawsuit, isn’t it?”

* * *

3rd person POV

The sun blazes high overhead as two men; one with a shock of green hair and the other a blonde walk down a street.

“Hey Jiro, where do you think we should stop for lunch?” the blonde man asks the lime-green haired man.

“Don’t particularly care, Koji” Jiro replies “But we’ve got about an hour or two to kill before Ibiki wants us back at T&I, so anywhere’s fine” he pauses to think “how about that ramen place? ‘Ichiraku’ I think it’s called”

“Eh it’s nearby, so why not?” Koji shrugs “besides, I’ve been there and the food’s pretty good”

After a few minutes of walking the duo reach the ramen shop.

The shop owner greets them as the push aside the curtains at the entrance.

“Welcome to Ichiraku Ramen” the noodle maker says warmly “What’ll it be?”

“Oh the usual, Teuchi” Koji answers as he and Jiro take a seat at the counter “Just ease up on the spice this time; doctor’s orders”

“Got it” Teuchi nods while jotting down the order and turns to Jiro, who’s skimming through the menu “and you?”

Jiro looks through the menu again “I think I’ll give the miso pork ramen a try”

“Can’t go wrong with the classics”

Jiro glances about the store while they wait, noticing a couple of girls sitting at the far-right end of the counter and hunched over a sheaf of paper.

One of them is larger and the other smaller, but both otherwise identical appearance wise.

“Those two his kids?” Jiro asks, glancing at his Koji

“Yeah; Ayame and Ayano, the former’s the older of the two by roughly 5 years”

“If they’re his kids what happened to their mother?”

“She walked out on them about a year after the Nine-tails attacked”

The older girl, Ayame glances up and waves at them with a smile while the other, Ayano repeats her gesture with a blatantly false smile.

Jiro returns the smile to the older kid “What are you two working on?”

Ayame slides a completed worksheet over to him “Math; Sayaka-sensei promised us a whole bag of candy if we finished this by the end of the week, the more we get right the bigger the bag”

Jiro and Koji share an amused chuckle, this was something the civilian school liked doing; give the kids a series of math questions far beyond their current ability, along with notes to point them in the right direction.

If they figured it out; great then the kid had potential, if not; oh well.

“Sorry kid, can’t help you” Koji says talking a look at the worksheet “Rules are rules”

“Oh, I know that; Sayaka-sensei said we couldn’t get help from grownups or _older_ siblings,” Ayame chirps “but she told us we could ask our _younger_ siblings to help”

Jiro huffs in amusement. If 9-year olds couldn’t do it, what hope did a 4-year old have? “So, how’s it going?”

“Great; if we keep going at this pace well be done by this evening”

Jiro shakes his head slightly “Don’t you think you’re being a bit overconfident?”

Koji taps Jiro on the shoulder “Actually, I think her confidence is warranted”

Jiro freezes in surprise before facing Koji “Excuse me?”

“Look at these” Koji says, showing him a set of solved problems “I think they got all of these right, every single one”

Jiro gives the sheet a once over, true enough these answers looked correct.

“You two did this by yourselves?” Jiro asks examining the question about integration

“Uh huh” Ayame nods before the gaze turns a bit sheepish “Okay, Ayano did most of the work, but I helped write it down while she explained the answers”

Koji and Jiro shared a look as their food arrives, a 9-year old figuring out how derivatives worked was unexpected at best, but a 4-year old? That was not something one would consider normal.

* * *

Ayano’s POV

Four years ago, I had everything I wanted; a cushy job, a six-figure salary, stocks in a company I loved working for, a fast track to senior management and so much more.

Four years ago, I lost it everything; my job, my money, my house even my life. All because of a rubber duck and a woodchipper.

Now here I am, stranded in a universe I once thought was fictional and barely know a thing about, with nothing of my previous life bar my memories, teaching the equivalent of high-school level math to a child young enough to be my daughter in my past life.

The worst part is that dad’s attentiveness means that I can’t sneak any liquor to get drunk; he moved every hard drink in the house to the top shelf in the living room after he caught me trying to drink some of his booze a year or so back.

I spent the last 4 years in cursed sobriety.

What did I do to deserve this?

The only consolation in this mess is that while these people are primitives, they’re not _entirely_ primitive; among other things, they’ve got electricity and their usage of plastics proves that they’re an industrialized society.

“Done” I say as I hand a paper over to Ayame

“Thanks, sis” she says beaming at me “you’re a life saver”

“Remember our deal” I answer “I get 60% of the winnings”

Ayame rolls her eyes “Yeah I know, you don’t need to remind me”

I’ve gone from negotiating deadlines to negotiating for candy, this is humiliating.

I notice the two men giving me suspicious looks while they eat “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing” The blonde man glances at the worksheet again before he slurps up some noodles “just wondering who thought you all these”

A series of teachers across 12 grades of regular education, a few years in university, a period of self-learning under the tutelage of a math obsessed doctoral advisor and on-the-job experience with an arms manufacturing company.

I look him in the eyes as I hold up the notes that came with the worksheet “They practically told us how to do these”

“So you say” he replies, sounding unconvinced as he returns to his meal.

* * *

Next day

I was reading one of the books Ayame forgot to bring with her to school when I hear the door open.

My sister trudges into the living room with a frown on her face as she takes her workbooks out of her bag and splays them on the table.

Someone’s in a bad mood.

“What’s the matter?” I ask, “bad day?”

“Sayaka-sensei thinks we cheated” She grumbles as she plops down onto a cushion “Now she wants to watch while you do a few more questions”

I shrug, can’t blame someone for being cautious “When’s she supposed to come over?”

“Any time now” She mutters as she works on a drawing from art class.

A few minutes later I hear dad talking to a someone outside.

Shortly afterwards, a woman with neon green hair walks into the room. She must be Ayame’s teacher.

“So, this is your sister” Sayaka-sensei asks as she lays out a worksheet, some notes and a formula sheet in front of me “the one you said helped you with those math problems”

“Yes, Sayaka sensei” Ayame nods “Ayano here helped me with those math problems and no one else”

“I’m just doing my due diligence, Ayame” she says as she gives me a pencil “Go on, Ayano”

I look at the questions and my eyes widen.

I’m looking at a problem involving Bernoulli’s principle “Is this seriously what you teach the older kids at the civilian academy?”

“What of it?” she asks glancing at me

“Nothing” I answer

This is surprising and probably the first time I’ve genuinely felt impressed by the people of this universe in something other than their use of ‘chakra’.

I smile as I begin work on the problems. It’s been such a long time, but I’ve finally been given the chance to work on something familiar, something I truly enjoy.

The next question involves the use of imaginary numbers, much like the ones used in circuit analysis. They’ve got electronics in this universe, so it figures that they’d have this too.

The last one threw me for a loop, it’s a problem that has something to do with ninjas and shuriken. This one isn’t a math question, strictly speaking; it’s more on applied physics than anything else, but it’s not something I haven’t seen before while I worked on weapon systems.

It takes a while and the lack of calculators makes this harder than it has to be, but I managed to finish all three of them.

I give the completed worksheet a once over and hand them over to Sayaka-sensei.

She looks at the worksheet, compares it to what I assume must be the answer sheet and nods “Good job kid, you’ve got them all”

Ayame fist pumps as I grin at her.

That load of candy is ours (or more specifically; mostly mine).

“So, where’s our candy?” Ayame asks with a glint in her eyes.

Sayaka-sensei’s expression shifts to that of horrified realization as she remembers that wager she made “I-I’ll get you your candy when I get my paycheque”

Ayame deflates slightly at the thought of having to wait for the treats but does not challenge her teacher.

As Sayaka-sensei leaves the room I hear her mutter something about talking to dad in private.

Wonder that that’s about.

* * *

3rd person POV

Sayaka taps Teuchi on the shoulder “Mind if we have a talk, it’s about your daughters”

Teuchi nods in understanding as they both proceed to the front of the shop.

“So, what’s the verdict?” Teuchi asks, leaning on the wall of the shop

“Well Mr. Asakura, your daughters have potential, that much I can see” Sayaka says as she takes a seat on a stool “That older daughter of yours; Ayame, I can definitively see her running a business empire someday”

“I can see that too” Teuchi agrees “just yesterday she managed to talk Ayano down from her initial demand of 80% of the candy, almost managed to take it down to an even 50-50 split”

“That girl has Amazing business acumen and a tongue of silver” Sayaka continues “she could sell sand to a man dying of thirst in the desert if she wanted to”

“That’s my girl” Teuchi says with pride

“You know, she could’ve been a great asset for the village” Sayaka points out “imagine if she had gone to the ninja academy; we’d have another skilled infiltrator in the village’s ranks”

“I’ve told you this before, Ayame has no interest in becoming a ninja” Teuchi asserts with a tone of finality “She wants to run and grow the family business and that’s final”

“Just stating the obvious” Sayaka says in a placating tone “Now about your younger daughter; Ayano”

“Go ahead” Teuchi motions for her to continue.

“She got every question in the first set of worksheets right” Sakaya says as she slides a sheaf of paper out of a folder and hands them to Teuchi “along with every question on the worksheet I gave hear earlier”

“She’s got a thing with numbers, that much I know” Teuchi nods

“That’s only half of it” Sakaya says as she takes out the latest worksheet “Those three questions I gave her weren’t from the civilian academy”

“Where are you going with this?”

“The first question was from a medical textbook, the second is a sample from a sealing manual” Sayaka says as she points to each question “and the last is from a pool of questions we draw from during the chunin exams”

“What does this mean?”

“This means you should seriously consider talking to her about her prospects”

“I see” Teuchi says, rubbing his chin in contemplation “What’s your take on this?”

“She has a future in the sciences that’s for sure” Sayaka replies as she puts away the worksheets “But nobody in the academic circles will take the daughter of a noodle maker from a ninja village seriously, and this goes double for the academics in the cities”

“What do you suggest then?”

“I’d like to point out that accomplished ninjas do have an air of legitimacy about them” Sayaka tells him “If she manages to gain some experience working for the village, someone in the military might listen to what she has to say, that’s a foot in the door at least”

“I’ll talk about this with her tomorrow” Teuchi Sighs “Thank you for the advice”


End file.
